Expensive Mistakes
by itsnickmillertime
Summary: Adam has just left Hannah for the last time, and now he's home to face Jessa.


Adam's head is reeling as he walks home. The day with Hannah had been a blissful break from reality, but there's no denying that it is, without a doubt, over between them. This time, for good. _Fuck_. He thinks about his decision to leave Jessa for Hannah that morning, and decides that it was something he had to try. Hannah was pregnant, and somewhere in his mind he truly felt as if she needed someone to help her raise that baby. It took him the whole day to realize it, but he knew that the only reason he decided to go back to her in that moment was because of the baby. Deep down— he knew he wasn't in love with her anymore. He still cared about her on a level that he doesn't think he will ever shake, but there is no doubt in his mind that he is not supposed to be with her. He had to do this to move forward with his relationship with Jessa. Jessa…

He feels a pang of anxiety when he thinks of what he did to Jessa. She hadn't deserved that. Though when he had told her of his plans, she didn't seem like she really cared. _But that's Jessa_ , he thought. _She's not one to make a show of her feelings._ He fumbles around, looking for his keys. When he realizes it's not on his person, he immediately reaches for his phone. He takes a deep breath when looking for her name, hoping that she will be understanding and kind to him when she answers, but knowing that he doesn't deserve it.

 **xxx**

Jessa has been an absolute mess all fucking day. She's wretched god-knows-how-many times, did her best to be cool about having meaningless sex with a stranger in a bathroom but ended up crying anyways, but most of all- she came to terms with her true feelings about Adam. Feelings that she honestly never really wanted to have about anyone. Feelings that she had done her best to suppress because _feelings make you weak_ , but she can't help it anymore.

It's almost 9 pm when her phone rings and she can't help but feel a bit of panic when she realizes that it's Adam who's calling her. She's been silently staring into space and contemplating what her life is going to be like without him. In an attempt to not sound or seem overeager, she takes a breath before deciding to answer the phone after the second ring. He asks her to go to the window, and she does her best to get herself together in the ten steps it takes her to walk there. He's standing outside, looking up at her, looking gorgeous as ever. She needs to be calm about this. Cool. Collected. "If I buzz, will you let me in?"

"Yeah." She says cooly and steps away from the window to do as he asks. She can't help but smile, hoping for that this time, it's for good.

 **xxx**

The door swings open and Adam and Jessa are face to face for the first time since he left this morning to be with Hannah.

"Hey." Adam doesn't really know what to say to her at this point. He wants to pour out apologies and be sweet to her, tell her his true feelings, make her know that she is truly who he wants to be with— but she won't make eye contact with him.

"Here for your shit?" She feels magnetically drawn to him, but she chooses to walk to the other side of the room. The question she asks is exploratory; she needs to know whether or not he's here to stay or if he's here to say his final goodbye. Her gut wrenches at the thought of him saying goodbye. _Please don't say yes._

There's a beat of silence, which is not normal for them. He's looking at her with those intense eyes, but there's something else behind them now. Pain, sorrow, apologies.

"No, Jessa, I'm not here for my shit. I'm here because this is my home. My home is here with you."

It takes everything in her not to run to him and jump in his arms and kiss him. She holds back, and instead, she decides that it's time for her to finally voice her true feelings about what he fucking did to her today. She needs for him to know. Even if it fucking means telling him the truth about how she feels about him.

She smiles at him, but he can see that she is slowly beginning to swell with anger, and this anger begins to project on to her face. She is looking at him with eyes that are betrayed, hurt, damaged. There is about to a reckoning. _Oh, god. Here we go._

"So," she begins, "Let me just get this fucking straight, so I'm clear on what is going on in that fucking small shit of a brain you have in your head. You believe that you are just able to waltz back into our apartment like you did absolutely nothing fucking wrong? You think that I'll just let you stay? Because I'll have you fucking know, Adam, that is not the way it's going to be."

Although Adam knows that he deserves every insult she throws at him, he can't help but feel the anger pulsating through him, coupled with anxiety that she might not actually forgive him for this. He retaliates.

"Where the fuck was this anger this morning, Jessa? I didn't exactly see you begging me on your fucking knees to stay this morning!"

"You know damn well how I fucking felt this morning! You know I didn't want you to fucking leave! But you did it anyway! You thought of Hannah, your ex-cunt of a fucking girlfriend, but you didn't think of me. How do you think that makes me feel, Adam? You knew I wouldn't fight you on it, you fucking knew! Do you think I haven't been fucking TERRIFIED that you were going to eventually leave me for Hannah? I have been expecting this from the moment we got together. The only reason I didn't have an absolute breakdown in front of you is because I didn't want you to have the satisfaction of seeing me that goddamn vulnerable."

She's holding back tears, and it's taking everything in him not to wrap his arms around her and comfort her. He and Jessa had almost been together for a year and a half at this point, but it had never occurred to him that she had had these fears about him leaving her for Hannah. She had never expressed them. But then again, he had never asked.

He takes a step forward towards her, but she takes a step back. "Jessa."

"I need to know Adam. I need to know why you chose to go to Hannah this morning."

He contemplated his choice of words for a moment and took a deep breath. "When Hannah and I dated, I always wondered what it would be like to have a child with her. I mean… think about it, that child would be the weirdest little shit ever. I had this notion in my fucked up brain that I needed to explore what it would be like with her in this situation. It was a fucked up thought, and I don't know why the fuck I felt like it needed to be fucking done, but it led me straight back to you. She and I don't have a future. We haven't had a future for two years now. When she left for graduate school, I didn't close the book properly on our relationship because some part of me wanted to keep it fucking open just in case she changed her mind. But now it's closed, it's fucking locked, and I threw away the key. We don't belong together."

Despite her best efforts, one tear manages to escape. And just like that, the floodgates open. Her emotional walls have broken and she's the exact kind of goddamn vulnerable that she didn't want Adam to see earlier. He reaches for her and takes her into his arms. For a moment, she accepts his embrace, and then— remembering just how fucking pissed off she is at him— pushes him away.

"No, Adam. You can't just hug me and think that everything is going to be better. You don't know the fucking day I've had. You don't know. You don't."

"Jessa, please. Listen to me." His eyes are starting to fill with tears himself, knowing the pain he's caused her. Jessa has always been such a strong person, and seeing her this way absolutely breaks his fucking heart. "I need you to know that I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm not in love with Hannah. I haven't been for a very long time."

Jessa stops crying for a moment and looks at Adam with stone cold eyes that strike fear into his heart. _Is she going to end this? Is this how far I fucked up?_

"You don't know what it feels like, Adam, to be the person you want most in life's second choice."

Adam had never really understood the deep impact that words could have on a person; he'd always just assumed that people were thin-skinned if they couldn't handle the truth. But this fucking shook him to the core, and suddenly he felt weak. He walked over to Jessa, took her hands, and fell to his knees, looking up at her pleadingly.

"Jessa, please. Believe me. You are NOT a second choice," He can see the doubt and hurt and hatred clouding her beautiful face, "You are everything. I made a mistake that I am prepared to pay for for as long as you want to punish me, for the rest of my life even. You are my first choice, Jessa. You are."

She didn't say anything. She didn't take her hands away from him. She just looked down at him and stared into his face, like she was trying to read his soul.

"Why didn't you stop me this morning before I went? Why didn't you tell me you didn't want me to go? I needed you to…" he pauses, he fucking hates being vulnerable and here he fucking is baring his soul to this woman, "I needed you to tell me how you felt, and you didn't say a word. I needed you to show me you cared. You just told me that I did nothing wrong."

She opens her mouth to speak, but stay silent. She breaks her eye contact with his and looks out the window, contemplating her next words.

"Because," her voice is barely above a whisper, "I fucking love you, you fucking idiot."

Adam's heart races. She said it. She fucking finally said she loved him. "Jessa, I…"

"I fucking love you, Adam. That's why I didn't say anything. Because I love you. Because I want you to be happy at all costs. And if I'm not your fucking happiness, then so-fucking-be it, I'm going to let you have what you want because you are the love of my fucking life and I want you to be as happy as you can fucking be."

He is standing now, staring down at her— this girl that he is absolutely in love with. _How could I have been so fucking stupid?_ There is no denying that he loves her, because he would literally do any-fucking-thing for this girl. "Jessa Johansson, I fucking love you, too. You are my first choice. You are the love of my life."

And with that, she can't help but smile up at him. God, he was so fucking happy to see that smile. He leans down to pick her up, as she rises to meet him— wrapping her legs around his waist. Her lips meet his with a sense of urgency, desperation, love. He holds her as tight and as close as he can as they tumble to the bed and continue to share their love with one another.

She's laughing while the satisfy their hunger for one another, and he is reminded of just how much he fucking loves that laugh. He could listen to that laugh for the rest of his life. In fact, he just might.


End file.
